Alright, you degenerates, let’s cut the fluff and get to the meat of crushing video poker machines. If you’re sitting at a video poker terminal thinking you can just wing it and walk away with a fat stack, you’re dreaming. These machines aren’t your drunk uncle playing hold’em at the family reunion—they’re cold, calculated, and built to bleed you dry unless you come prepared. Here’s how you dominate them with a hardcore strategy that doesn’t mess around.
First, you need to know your game inside out. Video poker isn’t one-size-fits-all—Jacks or Better, Deuces Wild, Double Bonus, they all play differently. Each variant has its own paytable, and if you’re not studying those like it’s your job, you’re throwing money away. For example, in Jacks or Better, a full-pay 9/6 table (9 for full house, 6 for flush) gives you a 99.54% return if you play perfectly. Anything less, like an 8/5 table, and the house edge jumps up. Check the paytable before you even think about shoving coins in. If it’s garbage, walk away. No excuses.
Now, let’s talk strategy. You don’t get to “feel” your way through this. Every hand has a mathematically correct play, and you better have it memorized. For Jacks or Better, you’re holding high pairs (Jacks or better) over low pairs, and you’re never breaking a flush to chase a straight. Deuces Wild? Those wild cards change everything—hold any deuce, and don’t be an idiot chasing a royal flush when you’ve got a made hand. Get a strategy chart for your variant and drill it until you’re dreaming about it. Websites like Wizard of Odds have free charts that are gold. Print one, stick it in your wallet, whatever. Just don’t sit there guessing.
Bankroll management is where most of you screw up. You can’t just dump your whole paycheck into a machine and pray. Set a session limit—say, 100 units (whatever a unit is for you, $1, $5, doesn’t matter). If you’re down 50 units, walk away. If you’re up, don’t get cocky and start betting like a moron. Video poker’s variance is brutal, and even with perfect play, you’ll hit losing streaks that make you want to punch the screen. Stick to your limits, or you’re done.
Bet sizing is non-negotiable. Always play max coins—five coins per hand. Why? Because the royal flush payout (800:1 on most machines) only kicks in at max bet. Play less, and you’re cutting your own throat on the big payout. If you can’t afford max coins, drop to a lower denomination machine. Playing one coin on a $1 machine instead of five on a 25¢ machine is how you stay broke.
Finally, don’t fall for the casino’s traps. Those “progressive” video poker machines with juicy jackpots? They’re usually tied to worse paytables that tilt the edge back to the house. And don’t even think about playing without a player’s card—comps and cashback might be the only thing keeping you in the green long-term. Casinos want you sloppy and emotional. Stay disciplined, stick to the math, and treat it like a grind, not a party.
You want to crush video poker? Stop playing like a tourist. Study the paytables, memorize the strategy, manage your money, and bet smart. Anything less, and the machine’s laughing at you. Get to work.
First, you need to know your game inside out. Video poker isn’t one-size-fits-all—Jacks or Better, Deuces Wild, Double Bonus, they all play differently. Each variant has its own paytable, and if you’re not studying those like it’s your job, you’re throwing money away. For example, in Jacks or Better, a full-pay 9/6 table (9 for full house, 6 for flush) gives you a 99.54% return if you play perfectly. Anything less, like an 8/5 table, and the house edge jumps up. Check the paytable before you even think about shoving coins in. If it’s garbage, walk away. No excuses.
Now, let’s talk strategy. You don’t get to “feel” your way through this. Every hand has a mathematically correct play, and you better have it memorized. For Jacks or Better, you’re holding high pairs (Jacks or better) over low pairs, and you’re never breaking a flush to chase a straight. Deuces Wild? Those wild cards change everything—hold any deuce, and don’t be an idiot chasing a royal flush when you’ve got a made hand. Get a strategy chart for your variant and drill it until you’re dreaming about it. Websites like Wizard of Odds have free charts that are gold. Print one, stick it in your wallet, whatever. Just don’t sit there guessing.
Bankroll management is where most of you screw up. You can’t just dump your whole paycheck into a machine and pray. Set a session limit—say, 100 units (whatever a unit is for you, $1, $5, doesn’t matter). If you’re down 50 units, walk away. If you’re up, don’t get cocky and start betting like a moron. Video poker’s variance is brutal, and even with perfect play, you’ll hit losing streaks that make you want to punch the screen. Stick to your limits, or you’re done.
Bet sizing is non-negotiable. Always play max coins—five coins per hand. Why? Because the royal flush payout (800:1 on most machines) only kicks in at max bet. Play less, and you’re cutting your own throat on the big payout. If you can’t afford max coins, drop to a lower denomination machine. Playing one coin on a $1 machine instead of five on a 25¢ machine is how you stay broke.
Finally, don’t fall for the casino’s traps. Those “progressive” video poker machines with juicy jackpots? They’re usually tied to worse paytables that tilt the edge back to the house. And don’t even think about playing without a player’s card—comps and cashback might be the only thing keeping you in the green long-term. Casinos want you sloppy and emotional. Stay disciplined, stick to the math, and treat it like a grind, not a party.
You want to crush video poker? Stop playing like a tourist. Study the paytables, memorize the strategy, manage your money, and bet smart. Anything less, and the machine’s laughing at you. Get to work.
