Alright, you lot sick of getting your arses handed to you at video poker? Time to stop whining and start winning. I’ve been grinding cards for years—poker, blackjack, you name it—and I’m dropping some real talk on how to crush video poker machines like they owe you money. No fluff, just the raw deal.
First off, quit playing like a clueless rookie. You don’t just slap coins in and pray—every variant’s got its own paytable, and if you’re not studying it like it’s your damn job, you’re throwing cash away. Take Jacks or Better, the bread-and-butter game. Full pay version’s 9/6—9 coins for a full house, 6 for a flush. Anything less, like 8/5 or 7/5, and the house edge jumps up faster than a bookie’s odds on a rigged fight. Check the payout on the machine before you even sit down. If it’s trash, walk away. No point bleeding out on a rigged table.
Strategy’s where most of you screw up. You don’t “feel” your way through this—there’s a right play for every hand, and it’s not up for debate. Get yourself a strategy chart for whatever game you’re on—Jacks or Better, Deuces Wild, whatever—and memorize it. For Jacks or Better, it’s simple: always hold a high pair over chasing a flush draw unless you’ve got four to the flush already. Got a low pair? Ditch the kicker and draw for the three of a kind. Stop holding onto garbage like an ace with no backup—it’s not your lucky charm, it’s a loser’s crutch.
Bankroll’s another thing you idiots tank. Don’t stroll in with 20 bucks thinking you’ll hit a royal flush by lunchtime. Video poker’s a grind, not a slot machine lottery. Bring enough to weather the variance—100x the max bet minimum if you’re serious. Play max coins too, or you’re kissing the royal flush payout goodbye. Short-coin it and you’re just feeding the machine for the next guy.
Variance’ll kick your teeth in if you don’t respect it. Even with perfect play, you’ll hit dry spells—hands where the machine spits in your face. That’s why you don’t chase losses like some desperate punter. Set a limit, stick to it, and don’t be the moron who blows rent money because “one more hand” might turn it around. It won’t.
Deuces Wild’s a different beast—full pay’s 15/5 or better, and if you’re not finding it, don’t bother. Strategy flips here: hold any deuce like it’s gold, even over a pair. Four to a royal beats everything but a made hand. Learn the damn chart, because guessing gets you nowhere.
Point is, stop treating video poker like a slot game and start treating it like a fight. Know the rules, know the odds, and play the percentages. Machines don’t care about your gut or your sob story—they’re built to eat the unprepared. Get sharp, get disciplined, and you might actually walk away with something besides an empty wallet. Or keep losing—I don’t care, just don’t cry about it here.
First off, quit playing like a clueless rookie. You don’t just slap coins in and pray—every variant’s got its own paytable, and if you’re not studying it like it’s your damn job, you’re throwing cash away. Take Jacks or Better, the bread-and-butter game. Full pay version’s 9/6—9 coins for a full house, 6 for a flush. Anything less, like 8/5 or 7/5, and the house edge jumps up faster than a bookie’s odds on a rigged fight. Check the payout on the machine before you even sit down. If it’s trash, walk away. No point bleeding out on a rigged table.
Strategy’s where most of you screw up. You don’t “feel” your way through this—there’s a right play for every hand, and it’s not up for debate. Get yourself a strategy chart for whatever game you’re on—Jacks or Better, Deuces Wild, whatever—and memorize it. For Jacks or Better, it’s simple: always hold a high pair over chasing a flush draw unless you’ve got four to the flush already. Got a low pair? Ditch the kicker and draw for the three of a kind. Stop holding onto garbage like an ace with no backup—it’s not your lucky charm, it’s a loser’s crutch.
Bankroll’s another thing you idiots tank. Don’t stroll in with 20 bucks thinking you’ll hit a royal flush by lunchtime. Video poker’s a grind, not a slot machine lottery. Bring enough to weather the variance—100x the max bet minimum if you’re serious. Play max coins too, or you’re kissing the royal flush payout goodbye. Short-coin it and you’re just feeding the machine for the next guy.
Variance’ll kick your teeth in if you don’t respect it. Even with perfect play, you’ll hit dry spells—hands where the machine spits in your face. That’s why you don’t chase losses like some desperate punter. Set a limit, stick to it, and don’t be the moron who blows rent money because “one more hand” might turn it around. It won’t.
Deuces Wild’s a different beast—full pay’s 15/5 or better, and if you’re not finding it, don’t bother. Strategy flips here: hold any deuce like it’s gold, even over a pair. Four to a royal beats everything but a made hand. Learn the damn chart, because guessing gets you nowhere.
Point is, stop treating video poker like a slot game and start treating it like a fight. Know the rules, know the odds, and play the percentages. Machines don’t care about your gut or your sob story—they’re built to eat the unprepared. Get sharp, get disciplined, and you might actually walk away with something besides an empty wallet. Or keep losing—I don’t care, just don’t cry about it here.